A bad idea.
Dismissed with Nah.
A bad idea.
Dismissed with Nah.
This has been a great month of April. My sister and eight-year-old nephew came.
To me, from Melbourne. We saw.
They left east as the second week began. To see.
Other places and faces.
A widely scattered, diverse family.
I love them dearly.
But, I was worn.
Then, ten hard days. Like the first eight weeks of disability.
Too worn to stare beyond the walls.
But, ideas came.
Voice recognition, I am learning to love you!
And I now have folders, labeled for all my concepts.
Ideas filling them with story.
The narration of my ideas is now.
A slurpy concrete.
Setting, in mind.
My mood shifted. After, I put my shoes.
On, I changed.
I will stay and write.
Earlier, I was thinking how sometimes my writing sparkles clear in sunlight, while others it is muddy, often shallow. I am learning to use this cycle to advantage.
I write best when my symptoms are at bay. And, I keep them at bay.
Brushing them back with cannabis. But.
Things break down. Symptoms intrude.
I chase them, increasing my dose. Hoping.
They go away.
Eventually, they disappear, but only after I bottom out.
I typically rebound. A floor higher than the basement. I found myself, in.
My ceiling, lower than some past, previous floor.
Rebound is when marijuana can inhibit my writing. After chasing symptoms with heavier doses, and diminishing effect, I need that break.
Today, I hadn’t used any since the day before yesterday. It’s subconscious subtle. I don’t even notice a decision to abstain. I just notice that.
By evening. I haven’t used any all day. And, I ask.
Myself. Can I sleep the night without?
If I think so, I know. I am bouncing back.
But, I still can’t write. I can’t think.
I sleep. I do things. I move around, caring for vegetables, and two cats.
My camera takes photographs. I appreciate that. I enjoy this beautiful world.
As pain creeps back into picture, the game begins.
How long can I wait, as worse it gets?
Today, this evening. A Thin Mint, vaporized.
Finally. Feeling good enough to write.
=== 12:13 a.m. (Thursday, the 17th) ===
Small couch, east.
I just came home from Yoda rough skis do, <== isn’t this fantastic? This is what Apple’s voice recognition software heard, when I spoke into my journal, “I just came home from Jodorowsky’s Dune.”
It was my second time. The first, I felt a deep spiritual connection to this man, Alejandro Jodorowsky. I had heard of his creation, long ago.
I went again. This time, to focus on his words. The first time, I felt a bit dazzled by his originality. This evening, I was prepared for the surprises, so my attention could remain on his words and ideas.
I can’t recommend this film highly enough. See it, and watch how an artist thinks.
Slow poke. No child prodigy.
Finally. Let go.
The age of thirty.
Fading. My thinking,
Out of my head.
Down, in some physical form.
Memory, accessed externally.
Solely residing in my head.
For, only a moment.
Before gone. Write thoughts, to make them.
Unless written, they remain etherial.
Essential, and missing. Unable, too.
Make points. Make jokes. Make sense.
Speaking, more primitive.
Stumbling, over faulty recall.
That next word. Spoken tokens, embedded in grammar.
Queued up, within the mind. Around each thought. Then.
One wanders off.
In the dark unconscious.
Too shy to be said.