- Post regularly to this blog
- Publish my work in journals and magazines
- Begin a new discussion in this world
So, yeah. I picked up and moved. For the past few years I had been stuck. Stuck largely to furniture, thanks to gravity. Stuck in a relatively small home that grew to overwhelm me as my strength diminished. Stuck, in the sense that I had never been disabled before. I had so much yet to learn and experience, before I could even begin to think of getting myself unstuck.
Four years ago I was still working. 48 months ago I had been living with my diagnosis for only about seven about months. Working had become extraordinarily difficult. Like a stubborn mule, I did not know I had to change my thinking. I already was disabled. But it wouldn’t register. So I persevered into 2013. March, April and May were the months that changed my thinking. I kept missing days at work. Every time I called in, I remember believing. Even though I can’t move today, I should feel better by tomorrow. My boss knew my situation. And I had accrued close to a year in sick days. Until the previous year, I never called into work. I prided myself on my endurance. By that spring, I was missing two days a week, then three, then four. Will power and intention were no longer sufficient to move my body.
Things would eventually get a lot worse. But now I live in North Carolina. I relocated to be nearer to immediate family. And I am dealing with things much better. I still have muscular dystrophy (of course!). In terms of strength, I am weaker than before. But in terms of energy, and ability, I have improved. In the coming days I will begin to share this story.
About three years ago I began this blog. I was further into my collapse, but still hadn’t bottomed out. I began the blog because I felt moved to write about my experiences. Not so much the physical. But the spiritual. I was in the midst of another big change in life. This one was about as profound as any I have been through. While I felt called to write about my experiences, the act of writing was becoming increasingly difficult.
Back then, I was stymied. My life was no longer moving forward. It still had momentum, but mine had spun out of control. Three years ago I wanted to tell this story. Now, I finally can begin. Back then, seeing my story was not yet possible. I had lessons to learn, and difficulties to overcome. I realized I couldn’t tell this story while living it. First, I had to change my circumstances.
Now, I can begin to unravel things. Here’s what happened, as I remember it. First I crashed headlong into reality. Recovery was an ordeal. But eventually I got up and reassessed things. I had to make a lot of changes. But my life is finally moving forward again. Attention to the patterns that make up my life was key.
Hector, trying to wrap his mind around the fact that we have moved. How many times did I try to explain it? It is finally beginning to sink in.
Don’t look for yourself in your phone. You are not there. Find yourself in a book, instead.